Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake -- which I also keep handy.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I like children - fried.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.