Authors - Dave Barry

Brief Biography

David "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize-winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels. - Wikipedia

Quotes by Dave BarryBrowse all of these

Quote 14by Anonymous on 07/12/2010

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
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    Quote 533by Anonymous on 05/01/2011

    If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
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      Quote 535by Anonymous on 05/01/2011

      Experts tell us that if the Millennium Bug is not fixed, when the year 2000 arrives, our financial records will be inaccurate, our telephone system will be unreliable, our government will be paralyzed and airline flights will be canceled without warning. In other words, things will be pretty much the same as they are now.
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        Quote 538by Anonymous on 05/01/2011

        Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
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          Quote 543by Anonymous on 05/01/2011

          Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
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            Quote 630by Anonymous on 06/01/2011

            American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.
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              Quote 655by Anonymous on 06/01/2011

              Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
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                Quote 716by Anonymous on 07/01/2011

                Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
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                  Quote 895by Anonymous on 08/01/2011

                  What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
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                    Quote 916by Anonymous on 08/01/2011

                    In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that men know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is look at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
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                      Quote 950by Anonymous on 08/01/2011

                      Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
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                        Quote 965by Anonymous on 08/01/2011

                        We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
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                          Quote 984by Anonymous on 08/01/2011

                          It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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                            Quote 1027by Anonymous on 09/01/2011

                            The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers.
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                              Quote 1051by Anonymous on 09/01/2011

                              In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West -- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford -- were caused by erosion.
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                                Quote 1071by Anonymous on 09/01/2011

                                I have not felt remotely cool for a long time, thanks largely to the relentless efforts of my teenage son, whose goal in life is to make me feel 3,500 years old. We'll be in the car, and he'll say, 'You wanna hear my new CD?' And I, flattered that he thinks his old man might like the same music he does, will say 'Sure!' So he increases the sound-system volume setting from '4' to 'Meteor Impact,' and he puts in a CD by a band with a name like 'Pustule,' and the next thing I know gigantic nuclear bass notes have blown out all the car windows and activated both the driver- and passenger-side air bags, and I'm writhing on the floor, screaming for mercy with jets of blood spurting three feet from my ears. My son then ejects the CD, smiling contentedly, knowing he as purchased a winner. On those extremely rare occasions when I like one of his CDs, I imagine he destroys it with a blowtorch.
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                                  Quote 1149by Anonymous on 10/01/2011

                                  Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.
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                                    Quote 1160by Anonymous on 11/01/2011

                                    Back in the old days, most families were close-knit. Grown children and their parents continued to live together, under the same roof, sometimes in the same small, crowded room, year in and year out, until they died, frequently by strangulation.
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                                      Quote 1181by Anonymous on 11/01/2011

                                      The ACLU is always yakking about the Constitution, and most of us are getting mighty tired of it. I mean, if the Constitution is so great, how come it was amended so many times? Huh?
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                                        Quote 1232by Anonymous on 11/01/2011

                                        Over the next hundred years or so football saw a great many major innovations and refinements that are too boring to even think about. Along the way professional football came into being so that the largest and most violent college players would have a way to earn money other than simply demanding it from innocent civilians.
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                                          Quote 1237by Anonymous on 11/01/2011

                                          The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
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                                            Quote 1265by Anonymous on 11/01/2011

                                            Stuffwise we are not a lean operation. We're the kind of people who, if we were deciding what absolute minimum essential items we'd need to carry in our backpacks for the final, treacherous ascent to the summit of Mount Everest, would take along aquarium filters, just in case.
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                                              Quote 1345by Anonymous on 12/01/2011

                                              A guy could have one major limb lying on the ground a full ten feet from the rest of his body, and he'd claim it was 'just a sprain'.
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                                                Quote 1400by Anonymous on 12/01/2011

                                                What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.
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                                                  Quote 1408by Anonymous on 12/01/2011

                                                  It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction, totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
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                                                    Quote 1524by Anonymous on 13/01/2011

                                                    I don't know what the new Ford will be called. Probably something like the 'Ford Untamed Wilderness Adventure.' In the TV commercials, it will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off cliffs, racing through the surf, and fighting giant sharks hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface -- all the daredevil things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an actual world. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer, squirrels, birds, and other wildlife species that have fled from the forests to avoid being run over by nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through the underbrush at 50 miles per hour.
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                                                      Quote 1551by Anonymous on 14/01/2011

                                                      You should do your own car repairs. It's an easy way to save money and possibly maim yourself for life.
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                                                        Quote 1626by Anonymous on 14/01/2011

                                                        The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
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                                                          Quote 1656by Anonymous on 15/01/2011

                                                          If you were to open up a baby's head -- and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should -- you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
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                                                            Quote 1674by Anonymous on 15/01/2011

                                                            My mother used to say to me: "Son, it's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick." I think that still makes a heck of a lot of sense, even in these troubles times.
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                                                              Quote 1702by Anonymous on 15/01/2011

                                                              Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
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                                                                Quote 1898by Anonymous on 18/01/2011

                                                                Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
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                                                                  Quote 1921by Anonymous on 19/01/2011

                                                                  Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.
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                                                                    Quote 1961by Anonymous on 19/01/2011

                                                                    Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
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                                                                      Quote 1962by Anonymous on 19/01/2011

                                                                      As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
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                                                                        Quote 1974by Anonymous on 19/01/2011

                                                                        Drug testing is very big in football. This is because football players are Role Models for young people. All you young people out there want to grow up and have enormous necks and get knee operations as often as haircuts. That's why the people in charge of football don't want you to associate it with drugs. They want you to associate it with alcohol.
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                                                                          Quote 2067by Anonymous on 21/01/2011

                                                                          Puns are little plays on words that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead.
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                                                                            Quote 2074by Anonymous on 22/01/2011

                                                                            The Internet: Transforming Society and Shaping the Future Through Chat.
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                                                                              Quote 2080by Anonymous on 22/01/2011

                                                                              Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost. This is because the Tokyo street system holds the world outdoor record for randomness. A map of Tokyo looks like a tub of hyperactive bait. There is virtually no street that goes directly from anywhere to anywhere.
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                                                                                Quote 2121by Anonymous on 22/01/2011

                                                                                To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a "pain in the neck," the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
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                                                                                  Quote 2171by Anonymous on 24/01/2011

                                                                                  Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
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                                                                                    Quote 2174by Anonymous on 24/01/2011

                                                                                    The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.
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                                                                                      Quote 2183by Anonymous on 24/01/2011

                                                                                      My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
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                                                                                        Quote 2227by Anonymous on 24/01/2011

                                                                                        Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
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                                                                                          Quote 2265by Anonymous on 25/01/2011

                                                                                          I realise that I'm making gender-based generalizations here, but my feeling is that if God did not want us to make gender-based generalizations, She would not have given us genders.
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                                                                                            Quote 2401by Anonymous on 28/01/2011

                                                                                            Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...
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                                                                                              Quote 2459by Anonymous on 30/01/2011

                                                                                              Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
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                                                                                                Quote 2476by Anonymous on 30/01/2011

                                                                                                It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.
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                                                                                                  Quote 2504by Anonymous on 31/01/2011

                                                                                                  We humans do not need to leave Earth to get to a hostile, deadly, alien environment; we already have Miami.
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                                                                                                    Quote 2534by Anonymous on 31/01/2011

                                                                                                    MEGAHERTZ: This is a really, really big hertz.
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                                                                                                    Quote 2577by Anonymous on 01/02/2011

                                                                                                    It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
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                                                                                                      Quote 2641by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                      We should enact an 'e' tax. Government agents would roam the country looking for stores whose names contained any word that ended in an unnecessary 'e,' such as 'shoppe' or 'olde,' and the owners of these stores would be taxed at a flat rate of $50,000 per year per 'e.' We should also consider an additional $50,000 'ye' tax, so that the owner of a store called 'Ye Olde Shoppe' would have to fork over $150,000 a year. In extreme cases, such as 'Ye Olde Barne Shoppe,' the owner would simply be taken outside and shot.
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                                                                                                        Quote 2671by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                        The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.
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                                                                                                          Quote 2734by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                          If God had wanted us to spend our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have invented beer.
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                                                                                                            Quote 2894by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                            I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
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                                                                                                              Quote 2913by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                              If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
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                                                                                                                Quote 3019by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                                The function of RAM is to give us guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important, because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM.
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                                                                                                                  Quote 3033by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                                  'You scratch my back, and I'll suck blood out of yours' - that is the insect motto.
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                                                                                                                    Quote 3051by Anonymous on 02/02/2011

                                                                                                                    You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
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                                                                                                                      Quote 3058by Anonymous on 03/02/2011

                                                                                                                      Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
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                                                                                                                        Quote 3069by Anonymous on 03/02/2011

                                                                                                                        Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
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                                                                                                                          Quote 3188by Anonymous on 05/02/2011

                                                                                                                          I figured out why I'm not getting seriously rich. I write newspaper columns. Nobody ever makes newspaper columns into Major Motion Pictures starring Tom Cruise. The best you can hope for, with a newspaper column, is that people will like it enough to attach it to their refrigerators with magnets shaped like fruit.
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                                                                                                                            Quote 3233by Anonymous on 05/02/2011

                                                                                                                            Karate is a form of marital arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
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                                                                                                                              Quote 3257by Anonymous on 05/02/2011

                                                                                                                              The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
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                                                                                                                                Quote 3327by Anonymous on 05/02/2011

                                                                                                                                I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
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                                                                                                                                  Quote 3337by Anonymous on 05/02/2011

                                                                                                                                  When you get right down to it, the Safety Lecture is a silly idea. I mean, if the passengers really thought the plane was going to crash, they wouldn't get on it in the first place, let alone learn how to get an adequate oxygen supply on the way down.
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                                                                                                                                    Quote 3404by Anonymous on 05/02/2011

                                                                                                                                    Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
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                                                                                                                                      Quote 3441by Anonymous on 06/02/2011

                                                                                                                                      I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.
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                                                                                                                                        Quote 3457by Anonymous on 06/02/2011

                                                                                                                                        Males have a lot of trouble not looking at breasts. What is worse, males cannot look at breasts and think at the same time. In fact, scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid. This was proved in a famous 1978 laboratory experiment wherein a team of leading male psychological researchers at Yale deliberately looked at photographs of breasts every day for two years, at the end of which they concluded that they had failed to take any notes. "We forgot," they said. "We'll have to do it over."
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                                                                                                                                          Quote 3575by Anonymous on 07/02/2011

                                                                                                                                          Because of the level of my chess game, I was able - even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog - to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.
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                                                                                                                                            Quote 3576by Anonymous on 07/02/2011

                                                                                                                                            Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
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                                                                                                                                              Quote 3586by Anonymous on 07/02/2011

                                                                                                                                              There are many silly superstitions about lightning, and as a result many people - maybe even you - are terrified of it. You shouldn't worry. Thanks to modern science we now know that lightning is nothing more than huge chunks of electricity that can come out of the sky, anytime, anywhere, and kill you.
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                                                                                                                                                Quote 3606by Anonymous on 07/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
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                                                                                                                                                  Quote 3637by Anonymous on 08/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                  The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other...
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                                                                                                                                                    Quote 3660by Anonymous on 09/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                    Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
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                                                                                                                                                      Quote 3696by Anonymous on 09/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                      The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.
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                                                                                                                                                        Quote 3714by Anonymous on 09/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                        Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
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                                                                                                                                                          Quote 3816by Anonymous on 10/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                          I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since 1990.
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                                                                                                                                                            Quote 3866by Anonymous on 11/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                            The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
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                                                                                                                                                              Quote 3931by Anonymous on 11/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                              Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
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                                                                                                                                                                Quote 3940by Anonymous on 11/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'
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                                                                                                                                                                  Quote 3970by Anonymous on 12/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                  Cooking was invented in prehistoric times, when a primitive tribe had a lucky accident. The tribe had killed an animal and was going to eat it raw, when a tribe member named Woog tripped and dropped it into the fire. At first the other tribe members were angry at Woog, but then, as the aroma of burning meat filled the air, they had an idea. So they ate Woog raw.
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                                                                                                                                                                    Quote 3975by Anonymous on 12/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                    If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
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                                                                                                                                                                      Quote 3996by Anonymous on 12/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                      Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.)
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                                                                                                                                                                        Quote 4028by Anonymous on 12/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                        People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
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                                                                                                                                                                          Quote 4128by Anonymous on 15/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                          It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
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                                                                                                                                                                            Quote 4153by Anonymous on 15/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                            You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories with headlines like DOORBELL USE LINKED TO LEUKEMIA and OZONE LAYER COMPLETELY GONE DIRECTLY OVER YOUR HOUSE.
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                                                                                                                                                                              Quote 4176by Anonymous on 16/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                              There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
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                                                                                                                                                                                Quote 4204by Anonymous on 17/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                Look closely at Central America, and try to imagine what would happen if this vital region were to fall into Communist hands. What would happen is a lot of Communists would be stung repeatedly by vivious tropical insects the size of mature hamsters.
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                                                                                                                                                                                  Quote 4346by Anonymous on 20/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                  I'm a middle age white guy, which means I'm constantly reminded that my particular group is responsible for the oppression of every known minority PLUS most wars PLUS government corruption PLUS pollution of the environment, not to mention that it was middle-age white guys who killed Bambi's mom.
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                                                                                                                                                                                    Quote 4402by Anonymous on 21/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                    To defend Western Europe we have to let the Pentagon buy all these tanks and guns and things, and the Pentagon is unable to buy any object that that costs less than a condominium in Vail. If the Pentagon needs, say, fruit, it will argue that it must have fruit that can withstand the rigors of combat conditions, and it will wind up purchasing the FX-700 Seedless Tactical Grape, which will cost $160,000 per bunch, and will have an 83 percent failure rate.
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                                                                                                                                                                                      Quote 4462by Anonymous on 21/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                      The books all say that barracuda rarely eat people, but very few barracuda can read, and they have far more teeth than would be necessary for a strictly seafood diet. Their mouths look like the entire $39.95 set of Ginsu knives, including the handy Arm Slicer.
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                                                                                                                                                                                        Quote 4610by Anonymous on 25/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                        On the Japanese news, if the announcers had happy faces and perky voices, I knew that meant good news, such as that Japanese scientists had discovered a way to make VCR's even more difficult for Americans to program; whereas if the announcers had serious voices and frowny faces, it meant bad news, such as the worsening eel shortage.
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                                                                                                                                                                                          Quote 4649by Anonymous on 25/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                          In some versions of my original contest column I had proposed, in a lighthearted manner, that we reduce the deficit by 'selling unnecessary states such as Oklahoma to the Japanese.' This caused a number of Oklahomans to send in letters containing many correctly spelled words and making the central lighthearted point that I am a jerk. They also sent me official literature stating that Oklahoma has enormous quantities of culture in the form of ballet, Oral Roberts, etc., and that the Official State Reptile -- I am not making this up -- is something called the 'Mountain Boomer.' So I apologize to Oklahoma, and as a token of my sincerity I'm willing to sell my state, Florida, to the Japanese, assuming nobody objects to the fact that Japan would suddenly become the most heavily armed nation on Earth.
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                                                                                                                                                                                            Quote 4713by Anonymous on 26/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                            The only flaw in the Hinckley trial is that it left a lot of people with the impression that psychiatrists are just a bunch of bearded voodoo doctors who espouse confusing and wildly contradictory theories that have nothing to do with common sense. This is totally unfair. Many psychiatrists are clean-shaven.
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                                                                                                                                                                                              Quote 4741by Anonymous on 27/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                              Classical music gradually lost popularity because it is too complicated: you need twenty-five or thirty skilled musicians just to hum it properly. So people began to develop regular music.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                Quote 4759by Anonymous on 27/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                                Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently, but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!
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                                                                                                                                                                                                  Quote 4768by Anonymous on 27/02/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                                  Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. This is because the primary function of the government is -- and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution -- 'to spew out paper.'
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                                                                                                                                                                                                    Quote 4823by Anonymous on 01/03/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                                    I assume you are on the Internet. If you are not, then pardon my French, but vous ĂȘtes un big loser. Today EVERYBODY is on the Internet, including the primitive Mud People of the Amazon rain forest. In the old days, when the Mud People needed food, they had to manually throw spears at wild boars; whereas today they simply get on the Internet, go to www.spear-a-boar.com and click their mouse a few times (the Mud People use actual mice). Within three business days, a large box is delivered to them by a UPS driver, whom they eat.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                      Quote 4836by Anonymous on 01/03/2011

                                                                                                                                                                                                      The reason gas stations sell food, of course, is that the supermarkets are busy cashing checks. The supermarkets have to cash checks because the banks are busy mailing unsolicited credit cards to everybody in the Western Hemisphere. The result is that very few people fix cars.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                        Quote 7802by Anonymous on 16/02/2012

                                                                                                                                                                                                        Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                          Quote 8592by Anonymous on 19/05/2012

                                                                                                                                                                                                          Eating without conversation is only stoking.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                            Quote 9132by Anonymous on 21/06/2012

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Back in the mid-1970s, we adopted some fairly ambitious goals to improve efficiency of our cars. What did we get? We got a tremendous boost in efficiency.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                              Quote 13006by Anonymous on 09/06/2013

                                                                                                                                                                                                              The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                                Quote 13667by Anonymous on 18/08/2013

                                                                                                                                                                                                                To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Quote 14079by Anonymous on 27/10/2013

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Building one space station for everyone was and is insane: we should have built a dozen.
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                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Portrait

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Portrait of Dave Barry
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