Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 - April 21, 1910), better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American author and humorist. He is most noted for his novels, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876), and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), the latter often called "the Great American Novel." - Wikipedia
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.
I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
With ignorance and arrogance, success is assured.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
Suppose you were an idiot...and suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself.
Etiquette requires us to admire the human race.
A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
I do not like work even when someone else does it.
It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way.
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -- you see, I have friends in both places.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages.
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.
The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Your faith is what you believe, not what you know.
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
When the human race has once acquired a supersitition nothing short of death is ever likely to remove it.
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it.
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let me label you as they may.
It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble.
We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.
The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
The reason why truth is so much stranger than fiction is that there is no requirement for it to be consistent.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Whoever is happy will make others happy, too.
History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
It is by the goodness of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion, other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weaponlaughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecutionthese can lift at a colossal humbugpush it a littleweaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one--the solitary one--that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices--the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Also--in all the list he is the only creature that has a nasty mind.
Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.
New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.
Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else.
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean.
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it.
Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Age is how we determine how valuable you are.
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.