Authors - Matt Groening

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Quote 5148by Anonymous on 25/05/2011

Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
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    Quote 5199by Anonymous on 04/06/2011

    When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
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      Quote 5375by Anonymous on 23/06/2011

      To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
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        Quote 5476by Anonymous on 06/07/2011

        If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.
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          Quote 5591by Anonymous on 25/07/2011

          When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.
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            Quote 5666by Anonymous on 18/08/2011

            Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
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              Quote 5836by Anonymous on 30/08/2011

              Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'.
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                Quote 6173by Anonymous on 14/09/2011

                How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.
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                  Quote 6364by Anonymous on 19/09/2011

                  I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
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                    Quote 6612by Anonymous on 02/10/2011

                    How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?
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                      Quote 6773by Anonymous on 07/10/2011

                      What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?
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                        Quote 7081by Anonymous on 19/10/2011

                        Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
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                          Quote 7436by Anonymous on 13/11/2011

                          I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
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                            Quote 9400by Anonymous on 22/07/2012

                            You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
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                              Quote 9876by Anonymous on 29/08/2012

                              It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
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                                Quote 11145by Anonymous on 27/11/2012

                                What if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
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                                  Quote 11198by Anonymous on 30/11/2012

                                  I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.
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                                    Quote 11214by Anonymous on 01/12/2012

                                    I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
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                                      Quote 12008by Anonymous on 12/02/2013

                                      I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.
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                                        Quote 12078by Anonymous on 26/02/2013

                                        I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
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                                          Quote 12210by Anonymous on 18/03/2013

                                          Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.
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                                            Quote 12292by Anonymous on 23/03/2013

                                            All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.
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                                              Quote 12326by Anonymous on 26/03/2013

                                              I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!
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                                                Quote 12447by Anonymous on 13/04/2013

                                                You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.
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                                                  Quote 12528by Anonymous on 26/04/2013

                                                  There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.
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                                                    Quote 12710by Anonymous on 14/05/2013

                                                    Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.
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                                                      Quote 12997by Anonymous on 08/06/2013

                                                      Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.
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                                                        Quote 13145by Anonymous on 22/06/2013

                                                        Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?
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                                                          Quote 13330by Anonymous on 07/07/2013

                                                          If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.
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                                                            Quote 13503by Anonymous on 28/07/2013

                                                            You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
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                                                              Quote 13569by Anonymous on 04/08/2013

                                                              All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.
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                                                                Quote 13753by Anonymous on 28/08/2013

                                                                Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
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                                                                  Quote 13914by Anonymous on 18/09/2013

                                                                  I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.
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