I just finished my first book. Pretty soon, I'm gonna read another.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

I'm at an age where I think more about food than sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look ... twins!

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.