A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams. Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.