Don't jump on a man unless he's down.

The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Most vegetarians look so much like the food they eat that they can be classified as cannibals.

The Puritans gave thanks for being preserved from the Indians, and we give thanks for being preserved from the Puritans.

The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards.