An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns -- he should be drawn and quoted.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.