Authors - George Carlin
George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 - June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, satirist, actor and writer/author, who won five Grammy Awards for his comedy albums. - Wikipedia
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in the oposite direction.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.