When I read about the evils of drinking I gave up reading.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.