Authors - Mark Twain
Brief Biography
Samuel Langhorne Clemens (November 30, 1835 - April 21, 1910), better known by his pen name Mark Twain, was an American author and humorist. He is most noted for his novels, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (1876), and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1885), the latter often called "the Great American Novel." - Wikipedia
Quotes by Mark TwainBrowse all of these
Quote 1126by Anonymous on 10/01/2011
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
Quote 1193by Anonymous on 11/01/2011
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Quote 1196by Anonymous on 11/01/2011
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
Quote 1316by Anonymous on 12/01/2011
Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
Quote 1331by Anonymous on 12/01/2011
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.
Quote 1353by Anonymous on 12/01/2011
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
Quote 1389by Anonymous on 12/01/2011
The man who carries a cat by the tail learns something that can be learned in no other way.
Quote 1406by Anonymous on 12/01/2011
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Quote 1423by Anonymous on 13/01/2011
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
Quote 1441by Anonymous on 13/01/2011
Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.
Quote 1447by Anonymous on 13/01/2011
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Quote 1467by Anonymous on 13/01/2011
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
Quote 1475by Anonymous on 14/01/2011
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Quote 1553by Anonymous on 14/01/2011
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -- you see, I have friends in both places.
Quote 1614by Anonymous on 14/01/2011
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Quote 1737by Anonymous on 16/01/2011
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Quote 1784by Anonymous on 16/01/2011
It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.
Quote 1791by Anonymous on 16/01/2011
Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Quote 1819by Anonymous on 16/01/2011
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Quote 1828by Anonymous on 16/01/2011
Life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages.
Quote 1877by Anonymous on 18/01/2011
Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
Quote 1904by Anonymous on 19/01/2011
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Quote 2036by Anonymous on 21/01/2011
Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies.
Quote 2048by Anonymous on 21/01/2011
The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.
Quote 2076by Anonymous on 22/01/2011
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Quote 2081by Anonymous on 22/01/2011
There are people who strictly deprive themselves of each and every eatable, drinkable, and smokable which has in any way acquired a shady reputation. They pay this price for health. And health is all they get for it. How strange it is. It is like paying out your whole fortune for a cow that has gone dry.
Quote 2100by Anonymous on 22/01/2011
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
Quote 2177by Anonymous on 24/01/2011
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
Quote 2218by Anonymous on 24/01/2011
Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth.
Quote 2220by Anonymous on 24/01/2011
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.
Quote 2239by Anonymous on 25/01/2011
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.
Quote 2272by Anonymous on 26/01/2011
The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.
Quote 2293by Anonymous on 27/01/2011
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.
Quote 2305by Anonymous on 27/01/2011
Everyone is a moon and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
Quote 2354by Anonymous on 28/01/2011
The problem is not that we have too many fools, it's that the lightning isn't distributed right.
Quote 2357by Anonymous on 28/01/2011
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Quote 2409by Anonymous on 28/01/2011
Duties are not performed for duty's sake, but because their neglect would make the man uncomfortable. A man performs but one duty - the duty of contenting his spirit, the duty of making himself agreeable to himself.
Quote 2436by Anonymous on 29/01/2011
There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press.
Quote 2451by Anonymous on 30/01/2011
When angry count to four; when very angry, swear.
Quote 2453by Anonymous on 30/01/2011
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Quote 2488by Anonymous on 31/01/2011
Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.
Quote 2491by Anonymous on 31/01/2011
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Quote 2560by Anonymous on 02/02/2011
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
Quote 2612by Anonymous on 02/02/2011
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Quote 2644by Anonymous on 02/02/2011
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Quote 2648by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Quote 2669by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.
Quote 2717by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light.
Quote 2864by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Your faith is what you believe, not what you know.
Quote 2942by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Quote 2993by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
When the human race has once acquired a supersitition nothing short of death is ever likely to remove it.
Quote 3001by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.
Quote 3025by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it.
Quote 3026by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Adam was the only man who, when he said a good thing, knew that nobody had said it before him.
Quote 3080by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Each man must for himself alone decide what is right and what is wrong, which course is patriotic and which isn't. You cannot shirk this and be a man. To decide against your conviction is to be an unqualified and excusable traitor, both to yourself and to your country, let me label you as they may.
Quote 3099by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
It is noble to be good; it is still nobler to teach others to be good - and less trouble.
Quote 3151by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
Quote 3154by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Quote 3243by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
Quote 3267by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
Well enough for old folks to rise early, because they have done so many mean things all their lives they can't sleep anyhow.
Quote 3268by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
The reason we hold truth in such respect is because we have so little opportunity to get familiar with it.
Quote 3283by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
The reason why truth is so much stranger than fiction is that there is no requirement for it to be consistent.
Quote 3287by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
Quote 3351by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.
Quote 3403by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
Quote 3413by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
Whoever is happy will make others happy, too.
Quote 3444by Anonymous on 06/02/2011
History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.
Quote 3583by Anonymous on 07/02/2011
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Quote 3616by Anonymous on 08/02/2011
It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
Quote 3633by Anonymous on 08/02/2011
Most writers regard truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
Quote 3649by Anonymous on 08/02/2011
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Quote 3733by Anonymous on 09/02/2011
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Quote 3736by Anonymous on 09/02/2011
You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
Quote 3850by Anonymous on 12/02/2011
It is by the goodness of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
Quote 3878by Anonymous on 12/02/2011
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Quote 3919by Anonymous on 12/02/2011
Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.
Quote 3946by Anonymous on 12/02/2011
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
Quote 4057by Anonymous on 13/02/2011
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Quote 4076by Anonymous on 13/02/2011
Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
Quote 4133by Anonymous on 15/02/2011
Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.
Quote 4155by Anonymous on 15/02/2011
I can live for two months on a good compliment.
Quote 4174by Anonymous on 16/02/2011
I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Quote 4187by Anonymous on 16/02/2011
Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
Quote 4259by Anonymous on 18/02/2011
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
Quote 4335by Anonymous on 20/02/2011
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
Quote 4349by Anonymous on 20/02/2011
Happiness is a Swedish sunset; it is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.
Quote 4497by Anonymous on 22/02/2011
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
Quote 4603by Anonymous on 25/02/2011
India has 2,000,000 gods, and worships them all. In religion, other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.
Quote 4605by Anonymous on 25/02/2011
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
Quote 4668by Anonymous on 25/02/2011
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Quote 4806by Anonymous on 01/03/2011
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
Quote 4843by Anonymous on 01/03/2011
I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.
Quote 4951by Anonymous on 04/05/2011
I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won't.
Quote 5373by Anonymous on 23/06/2011
[Humanity] has unquestionably one really effective weapon—laughter. Power, money, persuasion, supplication, persecution—these can lift at a colossal humbug—push it a little—weaken it a little, century by century; but only laughter can blow it to rags and atoms at a blast. Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Quote 5511by Anonymous on 09/07/2011
Of all the creatures that were made, man is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one--the solitary one--that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices--the most hateful. He is the only creature that has pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. Also--in all the list he is the only creature that has a nasty mind.
Quote 6018by Anonymous on 12/09/2011
Laws are sand, customs are rock. Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.
Quote 6027by Anonymous on 12/09/2011
New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.
Quote 6043by Anonymous on 12/09/2011
Our opinions do not really blossom into fruition until we have expressed them to someone else.
Quote 6157by Anonymous on 14/09/2011
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Quote 6200by Anonymous on 16/09/2011
The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.
Quote 7056by Anonymous on 18/10/2011
Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
Quote 7330by Anonymous on 03/11/2011
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean.
Quote 7592by Anonymous on 28/12/2011
In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Quote 7769by Anonymous on 08/02/2012
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
Quote 8060by Anonymous on 15/04/2012
The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
Quote 8239by Anonymous on 30/04/2012
Every creature is better alive than dead, men and moose and pine trees, and he who understands it aright will rather preserve its life than destroy it.
Quote 9271by Anonymous on 06/07/2012
Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
Quote 9336by Anonymous on 11/07/2012
An Englishman is a person who does things because they have been done before. An American is a person who does things because they haven't been done before.
Quote 9364by Anonymous on 18/07/2012
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Quote 9478by Anonymous on 01/08/2012
What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.
Quote 9481by Anonymous on 01/08/2012
It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
Quote 9759by Anonymous on 21/08/2012
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Quote 9832by Anonymous on 25/08/2012
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Quote 9847by Anonymous on 26/08/2012
There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
Quote 10428by Anonymous on 03/10/2012
It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you: the one to slander you, and the other to get the news to you.
Quote 10790by Anonymous on 29/10/2012
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
Quote 11108by Anonymous on 25/11/2012
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
Quote 11112by Anonymous on 25/11/2012
Age is how we determine how valuable you are.
Quote 11183by Anonymous on 29/11/2012
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
Quote 11314by Anonymous on 12/12/2012
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Quote 11805by Anonymous on 23/01/2013
An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
Quote 12172by Anonymous on 14/03/2013
When people do not respect us we are sharply offended; yet deep down in his private heart no man much respects himself.
Quote 12698by Anonymous on 12/05/2013
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Quote 14053by Anonymous on 17/10/2013
Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.