Every government is a parliament of whores. The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.

There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas time. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

Traffic is like a bad dog. It isn't important to look both ways when crossing the street. It's more important to not show fear.

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relation. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing, too.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.

Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Government "help" to business is just as disastrous as government persecution... the only way a government can be of service to national prosperity is by keeping its hands off.

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration, the rich will pay for everything. The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration, you're rich.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.