Authors - Steven Wright
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, and one-liners with contrived situations. - Wikipedia
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?
Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night.
I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
What's another word for thesaurus?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I liken myself to Henry Ford and the auto industry, I give you 90 percent of what most people need.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
A runner must run with dreams in his heart, not money in his pocket.
God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I have a need to make these sorts of connections literal sometimes, and a vehicle often helps to do that. I have a relationship to car culture. It isn't really about loving cars. It's sort of about needing them.