Authors - Steven Wright
Brief Biography
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American comedian, actor and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, and one-liners with contrived situations. - Wikipedia
Quotes by Steven WrightBrowse all of these
Quote 1407by Anonymous on 12/01/2011
I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Quote 1585by Anonymous on 14/01/2011
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Quote 1667by Anonymous on 15/01/2011
I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'?
Quote 2687by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Quote 2919by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
I went into a restaurant and the sign said 'Breakfast anytime," so I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
Quote 3053by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Quote 3067by Anonymous on 03/02/2011
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Quote 3153by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
I hate it when my leg falls sleep in the middle of the day, because that means it'll be up all night.
Quote 3156by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.
Quote 3262by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't part anywhere near the place.
Quote 3343by Anonymous on 05/02/2011
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
Quote 3538by Anonymous on 06/02/2011
Last night I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Quote 4547by Anonymous on 23/02/2011
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes.
Quote 4606by Anonymous on 25/02/2011
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
Quote 4755by Anonymous on 27/02/2011
I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Quote 7951by Anonymous on 08/03/2012
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Quote 8827by Anonymous on 30/05/2012
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Quote 8918by Anonymous on 05/06/2012
I liken myself to Henry Ford and the auto industry, I give you 90 percent of what most people need.
Quote 11744by Anonymous on 19/01/2013
A runner must run with dreams in his heart, not money in his pocket.
Quote 12066by Anonymous on 26/02/2013
God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.
Quote 12518by Anonymous on 26/04/2013
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Quote 12544by Anonymous on 27/04/2013
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Quote 13033by Anonymous on 13/06/2013
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Quote 13931by Anonymous on 20/09/2013
I have a need to make these sorts of connections literal sometimes, and a vehicle often helps to do that. I have a relationship to car culture. It isn't really about loving cars. It's sort of about needing them.
