Woody Allen (born December 1, 1935) is an award-winning American screenwriter, director, actor, comedian, author, and playwright, whose career spans over half a century. - Wikipedia
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.
Don't knock masturbation; it's sex with someone I love.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Last night I discovered a new form of oral contraceptive. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no.
I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
The good thing about being bisexual is that it doubles your chance of a date on a Saturday night.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.