Topics - Funny


Quote 15A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Quote 16A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Quote 59As I get older, I just prefer to knit. - Tracey Ullman
Quote 128Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Quote 143Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Quote 201Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Quote 207A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Quote 215A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Quote 234Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
Quote 255If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Quote 322Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Quote 327A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Quote 346I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Quote 424It's not enough that I should succeed - others should fail.
Quote 427A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. - Yogi Berra
Quote 442All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Quote 604TV is chewing gum for the eyes. - Frank Lloyd Wright
Quote 609A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Quote 622You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
Quote 819Weather forecast for tonight: dark. - George Carlin
Quote 839The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
Quote 913I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Quote 1042There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Quote 1094Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee, and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
Quote 1436Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Quote 1501I'm so fast that, last night, I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
Quote 2014Americans can always be counted on to do the right thing...after they have exhausted all other possibilities.
Quote 2255I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
Quote 2893I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Quote 3257The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Quote 3271Some people have a gift for stupidity, an almost mystic ability to withstand any form of logic.
Quote 3407When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Quote 3441I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a...
Quote 3446Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Quote 3649Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Quote 4057Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Quote 4128It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Quote 7655God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Quote 7668I think serial monogamy says it all. - Tracey Ullman
Quote 7763My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
Quote 7807My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
Quote 7826The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Quote 7869The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Quote 7919A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green banan...
Quote 7951I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
Quote 7966Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
Quote 7991I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra
Quote 8001My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Quote 8072I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Quote 8083Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Quote 8167One man's folly is another man's wife.
Quote 8178I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Quote 8291I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Quote 8293Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Quote 8317I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Quote 8337One picture is worth 1,000 denials. - Ronald Reagan
Quote 8339I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
Quote 8348I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Quote 8368I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Quote 8481Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
Quote 8490I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Quote 8540You're only as good as your last haircut.
Quote 8546I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Quote 8596I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Quote 8655There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Quote 8769A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Quote 8774I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West
Quote 8926Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Quote 8957Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Quote 8972Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Quote 9011I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
Quote 9163My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she i...
Quote 9174I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Quote 9220I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Quote 9232Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving. - Erma Bombeck
Quote 9235I like children - fried. - W. C. Fields
Quote 9256Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Quote 9349How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Quote 9364By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Quote 9415I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Quote 9419When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. - George Burns
Quote 9483I rant, therefore I am. - Dennis Miller
Quote 9494Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Quote 9539Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Quote 9556A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers. - Bob Hope
Quote 9583The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Quote 9626I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Quote 9643Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Quote 9656If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Quote 9665It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Quote 9678I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Quote 9766I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Quote 9830I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - Steven Wright
Quote 9864If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Quote 9901If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Quote 9956I like marriage. The idea. - Toni Morrison
Quote 9961I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Quote 9988Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Quote 10067I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Quote 10092I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking t...
Quote 10130Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Quote 10209I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
Quote 10284Be obscure clearly. - Tracey Ullman
Quote 10306Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Quote 10418Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Quote 10419When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's rel...
Quote 10453I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Quote 10468There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Quote 10488My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Quote 10512The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Quote 10521Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Quote 10625Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Quote 10642There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Quote 10727I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.
Quote 10755I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.
Quote 10776In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Quote 10783Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
Quote 10845My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Quote 10849I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Quote 10930Never have more children than you have car windows.
Quote 11038Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Quote 11047I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Quote 11277I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
Quote 11330If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Quote 11366Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Quote 11413I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Quote 11540Never floss with a stranger. - Joan Rivers
Quote 11547When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
Quote 11562Miami Beach is where neon goes to die. - Lenny Bruce
Quote 11584Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Quote 11599Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Quote 11708If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Quote 11717Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Quote 11766I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Quote 11824I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Quote 11856A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Quote 11902I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Quote 11935There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Quote 12040I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
Quote 12095I spent a year in that town, one Sunday. - George Burns
Quote 12099Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Quote 12252I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Quote 12294Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Quote 12489I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Quote 12518Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Quote 12527We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Quote 12558I wish I had the nerve not to tip. - Paul Lynde
Quote 12583I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Quote 12597People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Quote 12616That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Quote 12617Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Quote 12739It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
Quote 12764My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Quote 12827I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Quote 12832I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Quote 12896California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Quote 12910I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Quote 12967Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Quote 12994I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Quote 12998I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Quote 13083In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Quote 13109I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Quote 13124I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Quote 13392I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Quote 13415I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Quote 13424What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
Quote 13445All men are equal before fish. - Bill Cosby
Quote 13544I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Quote 13747Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
Quote 13776If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Quote 13854It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
Quote 13940Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Quote 14008The superfluous, a very necessary thing. - Voltaire
Quote 14016As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.