Authors - Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Gwinnett Bierce (June 24, 1842 - unknown) was an American editorialist, journalist, short story writer, fabulist, and satirist. Today, he is probably best-known for his short story "An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge" and his satirical lexicon The Devil's Dictionary. His vehemence as a critic, his motto "Nothing matters" and the sardonic view of human nature that informed his work all earned him the nickname "Bitter Bierce". - Wikipedia
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity.
Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate.
PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify we give the name of knowledge.
I think that a young state, like a young virgin, should modestly stay at home, and wait the application of suitors for an alliance with her; and not run about offering her amity to all the world; and hazarding their refusal. Our virgin is a jolly one; and tho at present not very rich, will in time be a great fortune, and where she has a favorable predisposition, it seems to me well worth cultivating.
Being is desirable because it is identical with Beauty, and Beauty is loved because it is Being. We ourselves possess Beauty when we are true to our own being; ugliness is in going over to another order; knowing ourselves, we are beautiful; in self-ignorance, we are ugly.
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
Wedding: a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable.
Admiration. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.
Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man...who has no gills.
Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Growth itself contains the germ of happiness.
Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
Experience comprises illusions lost, rather than wisdom gained.
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills.
Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.
Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own.
History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be ashamed of.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.