Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

If something is too hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the closet next to your shortwave radio, your karate outfit and your unicycle and we'll go inside and watch TV.

When you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Good things don't end in 'eum,' they end in 'mania'...or 'teria'.

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

What good is money if it can't inspire terror in your fellow man?

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!

I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

What if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

I'm a level 5 vegan, I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.

I'll keep it short and sweet -- Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

All right, brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's just get me through this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.

I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!

You know, the courts may not be working any more, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be done.

There's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service, but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it?

If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.